To paraphrase our last two items, "VISUALIZE HOLLYWOOD COLLAPSE" is this gist of this terrific recent Onion satire of Tinseltown's current box office malaise:

BURBANK, CA—Universal Studios joined DreamWorks SKG, Sony Pictures, Warner Bros., Paramount, and Fox Monday, when CEO Ron Meyer announced that the company is shutting down operations and ceasing all film production, effective immediately.

"In their hearts, every studio chair would like to be a patron of the arts," said a candid and reflective Meyer, speaking from his New York office on the 69th floor of Manhattan's Rockefeller Plaza. "But this is a business, not an artists' charity ward."

According to Hollywood insiders, summer 2005 dealt the death blow to an already ailing industry. With box-office receipts 9 percent lower than those of 2004, the few successes, such as The 40-Year-Old Virgin and War Of The Worlds, could not carry the industry.

Regarding the decision to liquidate Paramount, Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone said, "It was a simple choice: cling to an outdated business model or cut the pictures loose."

To better protect their stockholders' interests, Hollywood will be shifting its focus to safer, more reliable profit models, including real estate, life insurance, and the sale of hygiene products.

Said Meyer: "The mortuary industry also seems like a good bet. No matter what happens in the economy, there's always a market for funeral homes. People are always dying. That doesn't go unpredictably out of fashion with the public's taste, like, say, historical costume epics or Russell Crowe."

Monday, construction crews quietly dismantled the storied Hollywood Walk of Fame.

"This is a real shame," said foreman Kevin McKnight, directing members of his crew to pry the brass stars from Hollywood Boulevard and transfer them to a nearby freight crate destined for a Japanese smelting plant. "I love movies. My whole family does. All my life, I loved movies."

And like that satiric strawman of a foreman, so do I--I take little pleasure in describing Hollywood's current woes; I'd much rather spend a couple of hours every weekend in a movie theater thinking, "yup, I'll be picking this one up on DVD in a few months". I used to do that all the time (and prior to DVD, buying VHS and even laser discs).

Someday, I'd like to think that Hollywood will return to producing films that folks like me would like to see, instead of attempting to jam bad politically correct product down audiences' throats, much the same way that Wall Street's Salomon Brothers jammed bonds during Michael Lewis' days there.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...